Some of you are going to wonder what’s going on, maybe even think I may have lost my mind. I can tell you that I feel very much the opposite, it feels more like I’ve finally found it. In fact… if this means I’ve lost my mind, I wish I had lost it long ago Sometimes, to me, it seems a shame that it took 40 years of life to get to this point but that is not the way that I will choose to look at it. Life is a constant learning process, an opportunity for improvement, enlightenment and reflection. I guess in a world where many would say about themselves, “I am who I am”… I am happy that I continue to grow and know, “I am becoming more like the man I feel I should be”. I recently bought a picture frame from Kohl’s, the darn thing was on clearance for $3.99, yes $3.99 !!! At first I thought it was not the prettiest of things but it has grown on me. What it says however is priceless, at least in my opinion. It says, “The Adventure of life is to Learn… The Goal of life is to Grow… The Nature of life is to Change… The Essence of life is to Care… The Beauty of life is to Give… The Joy of life is to Love”. Mr. Kohl must have been one smart S.O.B. and all for only $3.99

Now before some of you say… “Dave… you’ve been obsessed with winning, believing that you could control everything that would happen in your entire life, being a “machine” and now all of a sudden you’re about to preach this new chill out philosophy?”. Sounds pretty crazy doesn’t it? First… this process has been slowly going on for the last almost three years. Second… I’m not preaching, I’m not telling anyone to change or act differently. Third… that need for control was out of fear and being controlled by fear is not a way to live your life. In this writing/journal or whatever you want to call it, I’m just simply relating my views, for myself and to those that are interested, on my site… please take them for what you will. If they help you in some way, then it will make me extremely happy. Oh… and by the way, I still enjoy winning. It’s just that I’ve put it in its place. The winning part… a person can’t guarantee or fully control, nor can a person predict the future and make others act or behave the way they feel they should. What I can do is concentrate on competing and challenging myself… for the enjoyment and growth of it. Be content in doing my best, within a balanced life, because that is all that I can do. Enjoy the process every day and not the outcome that only lasts for a brief period. In the past I’ve always met life’s “obstacles” with steel, often trying to slash and slam my way through them… I am now trying to encounter life’s “challenges” or “opportunities” and flow like water with them. The only thing in life that you have a decent amount of influence over, is how you act and what you do. Act as you know in your heart you should, be kind to people each day, do “the right thing” and you will more likely set the tone for an enjoyable future.

If you’ve read, “My 2008 SPPL Journey” and most things I write, you’ll know I jump around a bit and go with whatever kicks into my grey matter at the moment. This writing will be no different, so please try and forgive the sometimes disjointed hopping around

Now… a little trip back into my past. The past, our experiences and how we have dealt with them… often influences how we behave in the present and the decisions we make. To understand the past and deal with it in a healthy manner, will make it more likely that the future will be a much more enjoyable place.

Some of my influences…
From the time I was able to remember… being a warrior or soldier was something that I had always dreamed about. Sitting on the couch with my grandfather Cilio, who had served in the Army, watching war movie after war movie, cowboy movie after Cowboy movie… many of which are now and were classics. John Wayne was definitely one of my TV hero’s, as were others who I saw on the screen like Audy Murphy, a real life hero. “Sands of Iwo Jima”, “To Hell and Back”, “Guns of Navarone”, “Bridge Over the River Kwai”, “The Big Red One”, “Dirty Dozen” and the list goes on and on.

As a kid I played with Lego’s, Lincoln Logs, took apart everything in my grandparents house and either put it back together or made more toys out of them. When it came to these toys, I always made things pertaining to war… forts, ships, soldiers, tanks, you name it… and remember, this was back when Lego’s were not as detailed as they are now. Often I made things that more or less represented the afore mentioned items but I must say, I was rather creative If a game involving strategy or war existed, I probably played it. Growing up I played pretty much every Avalon Hill game, Top Secret, D&D, Star Fleet Battles, Traveler, Chess and so many others that it would take a page to list. I got in trouble in grammar school for building forts behind the school and conducting war, with my friends, against the other groups of kids. Played Tag the Assassination Game, set on a Mafia style theme, in High school. No… I wasn’t just a gaming nerd, I was a high level athlete in a number of sports and considered a jock by many. I have read countless books on strategy, tactics and war. From the classics like “The Art of War” and the “Book of Five Rings”, to every book I could get my hands on that pertained to different conflicts, strategy, philosophy and military equipment.

Beside those TV influences, there were two people in my life that I considered to be hero’s… since I think most boys identify with a strong male figure, if one exists in their life, I was no exception. My grandfather and my father were the two people that I most looked up to, my hero’s and the people that I tried to emulate. My memories of my grandfather were of an incredibly strong man, both in presence and also physically. He was very quiet because he didn’t need to say much, you knew that when he asked something of you that it needed to get done. He would do anything for almost anyone… he was one of the kindest, caring and soft spoken men you could ever meet. He was an honest man, who… “Did the right thing”, he was an incredibly hard worker, financially responsible, determined, dedicated, loyal and driven. My father was the same in many ways… and also a highly accomplished athlete, one of the best coaches I’ve ever seen and definitely “his fathers kid” in so many ways. These were my male influences and I tried, in many ways, to become like them. If you noticed, I mentioned very little about emotions and communication. I also spent a lot of time with my grandmother and will always remember her as a saint, in my mind. Her kindness and gentle way would become deeply part of my personality. In me however… often it was suppressed or in contradiction, instead of harmony as it should have been, with other aspects.

As life goes on, there are a whole host of other influences that creep in and play a part in shaping who we are. Death of the ones we love, parents getting divorced, betrayals and a number of other things that made it hard for me to get fully close to people and hard to trust. I shut down in order to protect myself or at least I thought it would…. how wrong I was. We all deal with these things differently, often influenced by the things we’ve been taught and the way in which we’ve seen others act or behave. We deal with some things positively and some not so.

So you may ask….”What the heck am I getting at and why the heck is it on the site.” My hope is that most will understand.

My beliefs of what a “Warrior” was and what being a strong man is all about have been based on, what I believe/feel, was an incomplete view. My focus was on what I would call the “hard” aspects of the warrior and I often tuned out what I guess could be called the “soft”. The problem, in my view, seems to have come with the lack of balance that existed in my life, due to the concentration on only the “hard”. I was “at war” with myself. Nothing was ever enough… I could never be good enough, achieve enough or do enough. It bothered me that I couldn’t always cause the outcome to be the way I thought it should and convince those of what I thought was right. Everything was black or white and there was no room for grey in my world.

Now some may be thinking, “He’s changing everything about himself, must be going through some crazy shit”. As was said before, life is a constant process of change, of reevaluating and hopefully improvement. I’ve gone through some tough challenges but there’s plenty of people who have faced greater. Sometimes we change things in ourselves for the wrong reasons, for society or for other people. We learn from both the positive and negative things that people bring to the table. To ignore the lessons in both would surely not be beneficial. Besides the catharsis that I have been going through… I also recently have had a strengthening/reinforcement of some of the things that I was changing for the wrong reasons… for others. The core of who I am, has always been something that I was proud of… I was raised to be respectful, act respectful, loyal, honest, hard working, responsible, dedicated, live cleanly, take care of my body and be passionate about things I do. Though I was “incomplete”, these are values I do not wish to lose… they, IMO, are part of a positive way to live life. IMO, they are part of living a spiritual life and one that is in harmony/balance. I have noticed that, in my life, there have been times that I have been in contradiction with what I knew to be right at the core. When in contradiction, I believe that is when I have had the most self doubt… I was at odds with the positive part of “me”. In one instance in particular… this betrayal of values resulted in hurting someone, who was for a good part of my life and inside still is, very important to me. For that I am truly sorry and have finally come to terms with. So… this is not a total transformation but a time for improvement, balance and also a time to reinforce the good things about who I am.

Now back to the regularly scheduled story…

I had always felt that planning to the point of nausea, preparing for every contingency, thinking about things day in and day out…. night in and night out… every detail planned as far in advance I could see, always setting long term goals… would guarantee that every thing would work out. Of course it would work out… it should, shouldn’t it? … yeah right.

Sports…
When it comes to competition, often I have been an adrenaline athlete… all about the intensity, overwhelming with sheer force. Skill was definitely an important part, don’t get me wrong but even in the use of skill there was force. As a wrestler I was extremely physical… part of my philosophy was to break my opponent, physically pound them into choosing to roll over and give me the pin. Lifting weights, martial arts, heck… even soccer was about the intensity. I thrived on getting and giving pain. If you can’t feel pleasure you might as well feel something right? Probably the only exception to that was when I actually played a paintball game. Physically preparing for paintball games was much the same as with everything else… enjoy the pain running up and down mountains or whatever my training regime included, enjoy the pain in every aspect of my training. Feel nothing and never stop. Preparation for paintball was driven by negative comments that a few rivals would make and that I would focus on… I was anger driven and wanted to prove a point… to them but mostly myself. The only exception was when the game began and then everything washed away… I got in the flow, zone or whatever you wanted to call it. I existed in the moment. My skill went to work, I thought very little and just acted, reacted… it was peaceful… peace with shooting players ;-). Why couldn’t I see something in this that could be carried over into the rest of my life? I was not ready.

Some probably didn’t see this constant fighting inside me… I have always been a rather calm person on the outside. Very little expression, serious and focused. I’m not a yeller. I don’t go looking to argue or fight with people, my battles were mostly fought inside me or in the competition arena. My aggression was released through athletics and not randomly on society. I showed very little emotion at sporting events, didn’t yell at opponents or act arrogant… that was not the way I was taught. My actions in the arena would do my talking and the results would do the talking.

The results, some would say were great… tons of trophies, tons of awards, a high level of success in many sports, a very successful coach and countless other “accomplishments”. But at what cost? I will tell you this, as clearly as I possibly can… the afore mentioned things and my way of pursuing them, came at much, much, much… did I say much… too great of a cost. It could have been accomplished without constantly fighting my biggest adversary… ME. For me, life was always a battle… measured by wins and loses. The problem was that I was fighting an enemy that I would not beat.

I had met my greatest enemy…
I had waged war and fought countless battles against him.
An enemy, that no matter how hard I tried,
I could not seem to defeat…
a truly fearsome foe.
Today the war is over…
though I’m sure there will be small quarrels from time to time.
The enemy was ME…
and I have finally made peace with him.

What I now CAN definitely tell you is this… the new philosophy that I have been implementing, that I have talked about and will talk a little more about… has made me the happiest that I have ever been by far. It has made me see things that I had never seen and experience things that I have never experienced. On the paintball end, this season has been the most enjoyable that I have ever had and I’m playing extremely well. More importantly, life has become fantastic. No, I have not found religion… I have found balance. The “hard” warrior side that I had thought I had “mastered” is being edited, morphed and combined with the “soft” side that I neglected. The emotionless look on my face has been replaced with a frequent smile and laughing.

Concentrating on the future, too much, makes life and all its wonderful experiences go by to quickly. Live in the moment. This doesn’t mean that nothing should be planned, that financial responsibility should not exist or that a person should not be responsible… it’s not an excuse to justify anything you feel like. Once again, it’s about balance. I have a few poems hanging on the wall at work. I read them frequently and they guide me throughout the day. Below are the two that enjoy the most… hopefully you can get as much out of them as I have.

—————————————————–

Allow it to be

Let go of the need to need. And allow yourself to sink gently
and gracefully into the beauty of this moment.

Here and now anything is possible. Surrender your need to
focus on limitations, and open yourself to the finest possibilities.

Flow peacefully along with the boundless energy that is in
this day. Celebrate the miracle of being.

Breathe in the exquisite beauty of all that is. Though
events and circumstances constantly change, nothing can
interrupt the wonder of it all.

Float freely above the burden of having to place a judgment
on everything. Enjoy the opportunity to experience whatever
comes your way.

Greet this moment with a curious, thankful and loving heart.
And allow it to be the best time yet.

Ralph Marston (http://greatday.com/)

—————————————————

Act on who you are

When in doubt about what to do, chose the kindest option.
When you’re not sure about how much to give of yourself, err
on the side of generosity.

When you feel the urge to do something nice for someone
else, don’t make excuses for why you can’t. Just go ahead
and make it happen.

Give your attention to your thoughts. And at the same time,
pay heed to the intelligence within you that transcends
those thoughts.

Without hesitation, go with what you know is right. Act on
that little voice that may sound crazy but that feels so
true.

Everything you’ve ever experienced is embedded in your
wisdom. Though you cannot consciously remember it all, you
can still allow it all to guide you.

Have the confidence to act on who you are and what you know,
even if you sometimes cannot explain why. Authenticity is
always the best choice.

Ralph Marston (http://greatday.com/)

———————————————————

Below are some of the things that I tell myself frequently… they have helped bring balance in both life and paintball.

Training…
Train for yourself and not for others. Enjoy the exercise you do, get more out of it than just training for a single sport or goal. Even though you are exerting yourself, you should feel at peace when exercising. If you don’t, you will wear yourself out both physically and mentally.

Compete…
For the enjoyment of the competition itself. Enjoy being around the people that share the sport you love and learn from them. Teach by example and conduct yourself in a way that you know is right.

Rest…
Allow your body and mind the time to just be. Constantly training… thinking about everything and not giving your body/mind time to rest, will cause you to burn out. The rest of your life, along with those around you, will suffer.

Develop the whole person…
Take time to appreciate the littlest of things and enjoy everything around you. Expose yourself to diverse interests. Develop your body, mind and spirit… focus on everything and no-thing-ness.

Be understanding…
No one is perfect and that includes yourself. “Float freely above the burden of having to place a judgment
on everything.” Do not try to change everyone… trying to make everyone believe as you believe, that would be boring Instead, act as you believe you should act and let them choose whether or not to learn from you.

Learn, Grow, Change, Care, Give and Love…
Because this is what life and happiness is about.

The person that I mentioned earlier in my writing, who was once a very important part of my life, asked me a little over a month ago, “Who is Dave?”. I think I can answer that…
I am a person who appreciates the little things in life… waking up in the morning, stepping outside and taking a deep breath of all the world has to offer. I see a world that I had never seen before… a bright world, full of energy and full of experiences. I now truly see the trees, the flowers, the birds, the sky and all the wonders that nature has to offer. I am a strong man who no longer feels weak if he were to express emotion but instead feels even stronger because I do not fear it any more. I am a person that does not have to prove my strength by trying to control life but instead has the strength to enjoy what life has to offer. I am a person who is proud of my ability to constantly learn, change and become a better person. I am a person who is letting go of the need to need… the need to know, the need to control, the need to prove myself in fleeting accomplishments that in the scheme of things don’t really matter that much. I’m a person who has replaced obstacles with opportunities. A person who looks forward to the unknown and the adventure that it brings.

I look in the mirror and smile at the person looking back at me. The person I see in the mirror is now my friend and not my enemy.

To be a “Warrior” is not a bad thing. No, I do not believe so. The key, IMO, is to be a “Warrior” who is in balance and at peace with himself. I’m happy to say that I am finally becoming at peace. A person who has finally chosen to Live… every day… every hour… every moment.

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